Workshop Response- "Jennie Bean"

Workshop Response to Hunter Haynes’s “Jennie Bean”

            “Jennie Bean” is a memoir about Hunter’s sister, Jennie, who suffered from various medical conditions and died at the age of two.

            I thought the idea for this story was very touching and sentimental. I think it was a nice change from the typical story about a loved one who died. I think you did a really nice job of showing how much love there is for Jennie in your family, and that she touched everyone’s lives.

            I think your story could be improved by focusing on one major event. You seem to skip around to various moments of learning about and loving Jennie, but there doesn’t seem to be one really dramatic moment. I think you could either focus more on when your mother took the photo album away from you on page four, or when your brother called you on page five. I think either of those moments could serve as a climax in your story. I also think you could describe things a little more clearly. For example, when you describe Jennie you always talk about her blonde hair and pink dress and rings on her fingers, but I think it would help the reader understand her more if you talked about her smile or her personality, which you would have to ask your parents about. We also see a lot of your mom, but not a lot of your dad and how he dealt with the situation. I also think your story could be more effective if you changed it from a memoir to a personal essay. You have a really great opportunity to talk about the diseases Jennie had for your research part. I didn’t have any idea what they were when I read them.  I think you could have the same effect, but be able to give a broader understanding to your reader of what Jennie’s life was like. 

Workshop Response- Christina Bianca

Workshop Response to Christina Bianca’s Story

            This is a memoir of when Christina said goodbye to her father, who was going away with the Marine Corps, for the thirteenth time, and realized there was a good chance that he wouldn’t come home.

            Fist, I love all of the details you have in your story about the military and Marine Corps in particular. I learned a lot of new things, like with the tattoo you described on page three. I loved that I could tell it was your voice throughout your story, especially on the first page when you side track at the end of the first paragraph. I think you did a really nice job with the structure of the inverted check mark. You had a really great climax, when you found the letter, and a great resolution, when you took strength from it on page four. It wasn’t the clichéd ending of the girl who cries and is comforted by her mother, which I found really refreshing.

            I think your story could benefit from a little more description. For example, on the first page, I wasn’t really sure where you and your family were. I assume it was outside, since helicopters were there. It seemed to be a little formal, since you and your family were dressed up, and there was a podium, so I think a little more description of the surroundings could help. I’m sure there were flags, and everyone was in uniform, stuff like that.

            I was left with one big question at the end of your story: did you dad die on his mission? You had said that he left the paper with the tattoo and note because he knew he was in serious danger on page three, and his note on page four made it sound like he knew he wasn’t coming home, but I felt that this was unresolved at the end of the story. 

Workshop Response- "A Rose By Any Other Name"

Workshop Response for Chancelee Hart's "A Rose By Any Other Name"

This is a memoir about how Chancelee got her name and how she learned to love it.

            I really loved the voice in this story. I could really tell that Chancelee was speaking. I think it had a lot to do with the sarcasm, especially in the three points at the end. I love the whole story of how your parents chose your name, I think it’s really cute and I love the background you give us. I also thought the experiences you’ve had dealing with your name were hilarious. It’s sad to think that people think they are right about everything when really they have no idea (<- maybe an idea for a personal essay?) I also really really loved this title. I think it fit perfectly with the theme of the story and your ending.

            I wasn’t really sure if this was a memoir or not. I knew it wasn’t a personal essay, because it didn’t have any facts or larger significance, but I wasn’t sure about the memoir. You write the story as if you were there when your parents were talking, and when your grandfather essentially named you, but you weren’t. You were either unborn or very recently born when those things happened. I think you could fix this by making some major changes to your story. If you want to write about something that happened before you were born, maybe you could write about the first time you found out about how you got your name, or just throw in some “my mom told me…” in there. Otherwise, it just doesn’t work as a memoir. I think you could also add a little more about your changed feelings about your name. You very briefly mention that you like it on page five, but I think if you elaborated some it could improve your story.

Workshop Response- "Fistful of Jacket"

Workshop Response for Daniel Yurcaba’s “Fistful of Jacket”

This memoir takes place when Dan is a young boy learning how to ride a bike. The personal significance for him was the fact that his mother let go of him on the bike, and that she let him down then but has been a great mother throughout his life. 

I really liked the way you described your neighborhood and the whole process of learning how to ride a bike. I could really see everything very clearly, like on page 2 when you describe your two neighbors and your own section of the street. I really liked how you described having dinner with the Owens. I thought that you did a really nice job of saying why you had to go over there, but then describing why it was so awful- like saying grace at dinner.

I also really loved the descriptions of your accident on page four. They were from your childhood perspective, and it was a nice balance of the drama of getting a cut when you’re a kid, and the sarcasm of how you thought it was such a big deal from your perspective now.

I think you could go into more detail about the aftermath of the crash. You mention that you were angry with your mother for letting go, and forgive her on page four, but I would like to see more of that. I think that can be developed further and help strengthen your personal significance. I had a hard time putting into words exactly what it was. I also expected some more interaction with the two families you describe, the Owens and the Talleys. You put a lot of description into them, but we didn’t get to hear from them again. Overall, really good!

Workshop Response- "My Mother's Sister"

Response to Dylan Gibson’s “My Mother’s Sister”

            The main significance of this story seems to be the idea of family secrets, and how things you never knew about can affect those around you.

            I really liked your story! I thought it was very well crafted, and I could identify with a lot of it, even though I have never had an experience similar to yours. I really loved the way you described being in your grandparent’s house as a kid. I thought the whole paragraph about secrets on page two was really great. I always felt the same way when I went to my grandparent’s house; there is always so much old stuff that is so interesting. I also really liked when you referred to the town as a “town” on page 4, I could definitely hear your sarcasm through your voice.

            I think for improvement you could shorten the description of the various decaying towns. You used the word “decay” a lot for starters, and I think we all could picture what you were describing after one or two descriptions. I think if you specified what age you were when you went to see your aunt’s grave could add a lot of context and meaning. I think you could also speak a little more about how your aunt has affected you, unless you’re trying to say that it hasn’t affected you at all (which I kind of get from the title-it's impersonal). Your ending is really powerful, I absolutely loved it, but I think that it speaks more about your grandfather than it does about you. I was also unsure about what you were trying to get across in the paragraph about death on the top of the last page. Overall, this was a really amazing short story, great job!

Workshop Response- Mary-Kate Sherer

Response to Mary-Kate Sherer

           The larger significance in this work is the idea that the future is unknown and life can take you anywhere, but some things, like Mary-Kate’s passion for cooking, remain constant.

            I like how you display your knowledge of cooking. It really gave me the sense that you knew what you were talking about. I could feel how excited you were when you flipped the vegetables and succeeded in catching them on page three. I actually laughed when I read what your dad said about the heat on page two, that you should turn down the heat while cooking. My dad says that just about every time I cook, and always tells me that that’s the reason my mom burns a lot of food. It was a really nice personal moment that showcased a little of your relationship with your dad while also allowing you to showcase your knowledge of cooking.

            For revision, I would suggest spicing up or cutting out some of the imagery and descriptions you use in the beginning while you’re making dinner. It seemed to lag some. I liked how you talked about the joy you experience during preparation, but I would have liked to know if you get a lot of joy from people’s reactions to your food. I know when I cook, I can’t wait to see if the people I’m serving liked it or not. At the top of page two, you kind of hint at that when you say that people often use food to show love. I think you could really elaborate on that point. I thought you did a really nice job with incorporating your larger idea and not sounding cheesy (pun intended).