Workshop Response to
Christina Bianca’s Story
This is a
memoir of when Christina said goodbye to her father, who was going away with
the Marine Corps, for the thirteenth time, and realized there was a good chance
that he wouldn’t come home.
Fist, I
love all of the details you have in your story about the military and Marine
Corps in particular. I learned a lot of new things, like with the tattoo you
described on page three. I loved that I could tell it was your voice throughout
your story, especially on the first page when you side track at the end of the
first paragraph. I think you did a really nice job with the structure of the
inverted check mark. You had a really great climax, when you found the letter,
and a great resolution, when you took strength from it on page four. It wasn’t
the clichéd ending of the girl who cries and is comforted by her mother, which
I found really refreshing.
I think
your story could benefit from a little more description. For example, on the
first page, I wasn’t really sure where you and your family were. I assume it
was outside, since helicopters were there. It seemed to be a little formal,
since you and your family were dressed up, and there was a podium, so I think a
little more description of the surroundings could help. I’m sure there were
flags, and everyone was in uniform, stuff like that.
I was left
with one big question at the end of your story: did you dad die on his mission?
You had said that he left the paper with the tattoo and note because he knew he
was in serious danger on page three, and his note on page four made it sound
like he knew he wasn’t coming home, but I felt that this was unresolved at the
end of the story.
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