Response to Andrea Gonzalez’s revised “6.7 Went to Heaven”

Response to Andrea Gonzalez’s revised “6.7 Went to Heaven”

            This is a story about Amber, a troubled young adult who seems to have a depressive and psychotic episode in light of her not being hired for a job after college.

            I like that you changed to a narrative style instead of the all dialogue. It gave us a better look into her head and what she was feeling. I like that you kept the shit filled balloons, I think that whole concept is really funny. You also do a nice job describing Amber’s feeling of hopelessness and being lost through her voice.

            Fore revision, I would go deeper into Amber’s thoughts. We see her reactions to things that happen, but we don’t get to see what she’s thinking. I think this is especially true on page six when she throws a fit in her class. I thought that was very sudden, and it took me by surprise. I didn’t understand why she was reacting that way, or what she was reacting to. After an episode like that she would have been referred to a psychologist, as something is clearly wrong with her mental functioning. There are a few scenes where I’m not sure what the significance of them is. For example, the merry-go-round. I’m not sure what they does for the story other than giving some backstory and highlights some tension she had with her mother as a small child. I think to make this more significant you could expand the relationship with her mother. At your last workshop you said you wanted Amber to want to get arrested so that she would be in prison. I don’t get this feeling anymore at all. To me, it just seems like she is really troubled and is very depressed and acting out to get attention and help. Also, maybe she should have already graduated. I don’t feel as if it’s too uncommon for people to not have a job right out of college. I know a lot of people who had to continue job searching for years after they graduate. Maybe if she’s living at home with her mother and fighting a lot with her that could elevate the tension and cause her to act out more.

Response to Amber Bryant’s “Over the Love”

Response to Amber Bryant’s “Over the Love”

            This is a story about Via, a heroine addict, and her conversation with her ex husband and child, Max. She wants to apologize to them and get help, but seems lost. Her family shows her that they still love her and it gives her some strength to get better.

            I like that you gave us more backstory throughout the story, especially graduation. I like that you made the two boys older, so they can more deeply understand their mother’s problem. I really like that Via overdosed at their graduation, since it was a public event that the whole family was witness to.  I think you did a nice job creating a stressed family dynamic, which helped create tension, on page 8 when Max tell his mom that Aiden will “come around.”

            For revision, I would expand on the issues Via has with her parents. We get the feeling that her parents really stress her out and helped contribute to her overdose at graduation, but we don’t really know why. I wasn’t sure if her parents disapproved and shunned her because of the drugs or because she married David. I also think that Max sounds too young. He seems too innocent and hopeful and optimistic for being an adult. Also, if he has already graduated, wouldn’t he know where he is going to school?

            I also think you would benefit from reverting to the usual narrative style to tell this story. That way you’d be able to go back to the graduation scene and really describe what is happening. Right now we don’t have a lot of action in the story and this would be a good way to add dramatic, fast paced scenes. I was also still a little confused with David’s reactions. He is first very angry, but by the end of their conversation seems loving and supportive. I think you should also take out the part where he talks about giving her heroine. It just seems to complicate their relationship, and not in a good way. If that’s the case, wouldn’t Via be angry that he encouraged her drug use? In addition, you either need to expand on the miscarriage or cut it.

Response to Elizabeth Wieck's "Christmas Traditions"

Response to Elizabeth Wieck’s revised “Christmas Traditions”

            “Christmas Traditions” is a story about family dynamics and traditions around the holidays. The main character, Sara, finds out that her grandmother had a child that died from SIDS before her dad and aunt were born, and that changes her perspective on her grandmother’s behavior.

            I like that you cut a lot of characters from the story. It made it a lot easier to follow and keep up with. I like that you kept the grandmother nagging about the sausage and asking everyone if they’re hungry. I also love the scene where Sara has to put on her grandmother’s socks. It made me laugh, because I have had to do something similar and I looked to my parents for help as well.

            For revision, I think you should make Sara react more to her surroundings. We still don’t know what she’s thinking. For example, when she’s putting the socks on her grandmother, we know it’s gross just because of the description, but we don’t know how Sara feels about it. I think you should also expand on people’s relationships. We know that Sara and Josh used to be close, but I’m still curious why he is such a jerk. A lot of his lines are reminiscent of a junior high schooler, except he’s in college. If you want to keep him angry and mean, you might want to think about changing some of the things he says to be more grown up. For example, he could say something that really pushes grandma’s buttons. I also want to see more of Sara’s dad. Right now he seems like he’s only there to provide information about his brother. I think your story is missing a climax. It seems to be when Sara finds the picture. Maybe instead of just finding a picture she could find a box of old baby clothes or something like that, something more sentimental than a picture.

Response to Richard Tyler’s “Motive”

Response to Richard Tyler’s “Motive”

            This is a story about Kristen, who falls in love, has a child, gets involved with meth, and then tries to help her sort-of-husband out of murder, which only ends up with her in jail, as an accomplice.

            I really like the revisions you made. I felt like I knew a lot more about Kristen and Aaron’s relationship and was able to identify and have sympathy for her. I was glad you gave more backstory on Aaron’s parents, and I also like that you kept the interview at the end. I think it is a really nice ending that leaves us almost at a cliffhanger.

            For revision, I think you should define the character of Russell more. Right now it seems like he’s only in the story so Aaron and Kristen have a convenient way to meet. From the beginning of the story I thought that it would be about Kristen and Russell, but then he fades out of the story. I don’t think it would be a bad idea to cut his character all together and focus more on Aaron. I think we need to see more of the moment when Aaron comes home covered in blood, and more of what happens afterwards. There is so much backstory leading up to the climax and I think you could spend more time on it. How is Aaron reacting after Kristen takes his clothes, how soon do the police come, things like that. I also think we need more detail about what Aaron did. Without knowing it is based on a real story, right now all we know is that Aaron and Russell lured him to the car and ended up beating him up. You did a good job of creating some sympathy for Aaron and making it pretty clear that it was not a premeditated hate-crime, though I think this could be enhanced if we are shown how he feels a day or two after the event. Overall though, I really like your revision, and I think you’ve got a great work in the making.

Response to Justin Middleton's "Death of the Game"

Response to Justin Middleton’s “Death of the Game”

            This is a story about Collin Fritter’s first hunting trip, and how to help him save face his uncle shot his first deer for him. Collin wants to shoot his first deer on his own, and is ashamed and embarrassed after he finds out that what he thought happened wasn’t really the case.

            I think you did a nice job with characterization. I could tell that Les was still a child, and that Collin really wanted to show how adult he was now that he was 13. I also liked the way you layered a few different conflicts throughout the story. There is conflict between the two younger brothers, especially since we learn that Collin did not try to help his brother during a fight, there is conflict between the two older brothers, and the one brother not present in the story who Collin’s dad shot, and there is also some conflict with Aunt Eugenia and her miscarriages. This adds a lot of tension to the story and keeps it really interesting.

            For revision, I think you should take these different layers of conflict and expand on them. I want to know more about why Collin did not jump in to save his brother during the fight and while the deer was on top of him. I also want to know more about the dad’s relationship with his other brother, Vance. It seems like there’s a lot of tension in the story about that and I want to know why after all these years Vance still holds such a grudge for a simple mistake his 13 year old brother made. I was curious about why only Collin’s dad and uncle came on the hunting trip. It seems to be a very ritualistic and important moment for the family, and it struck me as odd that the cousin or grandfather didn’t come. If there’s not real reason for that, I think it would be wise to cut them form the story. But overall, you have a really interesting idea and I think you can really expand on it and it’ll go places!