Revised Ending

We said our goodbyes to Melissa and her family, glad to see her safe.

“Do you want kids?” I asked as we got into the car.

He shrugged, “I haven’t really thought about it. One day, sure.”

I turned out of the parking lot and got back onto the interstate.

“Could you drive a little faster? My meeting started five minutes ago.” I pressed on the gas pedal and the speedometer passed seventy.

When we got to his apartment I double-parked and he got out of the car and opened the door to the backseat, reaching for his coat. He picked up a little girl’s lunchbox and opened it. He pocketed a packet of fruit chews and pulled out a note.

“‘Have a great day at school, love Dad.’” Richard smiled, “What a good dad. I’m definitely going to write notes in my kid’s lunch.” I blinked. He put the note back in the lunch box, carefully folding the flap over and securing the Velcro. “Well, I’ll see you later,” he said, and walked back into his house.

“Yeah,” I said, “I’ll see you later.” And I was sure that I wanted to.

RESPONSE FOR 3/27

RESPONSE FOR 3/27

I was really intrigued by Dorothy Allison’s essay “Place,” and how she described how setting can be so much more than a landscape. I thought it was really interesting how she spoke about the character’s emotional responses to the setting on page 4. I had never thought about making my character react to something as simple as cut grass; how it would make them feel or what memories it would bring up. It seems obvious now, when I pay attention to how my thoughts actually function, when I smell something or taste something that reminds me of something else. In fact, we just learned in my intro to psych class that memory is extremely closely associated with smell, because those two parts of the brain are located next to each other.

I saw some of this in Maile Meloy’s “Ranch Girl” on page 554, when the main character is expressing some anxiety about leaving her hometown. She doesn’t expressly say that she is anxious, or that she is afraid of leaving. I got that impression from her word choice and descriptions. For example, she says “Science teachers start bugging you in the halls…if you want to one of these schools you’d still be a ranch girl- not the Texas kind, who are debutantes…” The word “bugging” here says to me that she doesn’t even appreciate her teacher’s interest in her, and her description of the other types of ranch girls explains this feeling by showing me her anxieties about why she doesn’t want to leave.

I also really liked her writing style. It reminded me of Jhumpa Lahiri’s story because she was speaking to “you,’ though unlike Lahiri, she was speaking to me, the reader. It made everything she was saying more personal and carry more weight, and it’s something I’d like to try.

RESPONSE FOR 3/25

RESPONSE FOR 3/25

I thoroughly enjoyed Jhumpa Lahiri’s story, “Once in a Lifetime.” Based on the descriptions in Elissa Schappell’s “Endings: Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow,” I think that “Once in a Lifetime” had an epilogue ending. The turning point for Hema seems to be when she breaks down in front of Kaushik, after trying to avoid and at the same time be accepted by him, she shows her most vulnerable, and as she puts it, ugly self on page 508 in response to learning that his mother is dying of cancer. This fact satisfies many of the reader’s questions, why his family moved back to America, why they are so picky about a house, why they are seemingly frivolously spending money. However, Lahiri continues to summarize what happened for the next two years in the next paragraph, leaving no room for speculation. I thought it to be pretty successful; as a reader, I was mostly satisfied. I never found out why Kaushik had such a lasting effect on the narrator. I expected there to be some large, complicated event that changed the narrator in some big way, but that’s not what happened.

I also think “Once in a Lifetime” has a bit of a symmetrical ending. The narrator begins with describing how she lost Kaushik for the first time, when he and his family moved back to India. In the last paragraph of the story on page 509, she describes how their families drifted apart, how they became only acquaintances. This is the type of ending I find myself using almost every time. I like the cyclical aspect to it, almost like your story has come full circle. However, I want to branch out and try the “Make-the-Reader-Wait-for-It Ending” that Schappell describes on page 233. I often find myself just wanting to finish the story and be done, so in addition to making the reader wait, it would also help me to slow down and focus more on my ending.

RESPONSE for 3/20

RESPONSE FOR 3/20

            I found it hard to see how Chuck Palahniuk and Denis Johnson were using and conveying emotion in their stories because the narration seemed to be very distant and removed from the events happening in the story. I could definitely get a sense for the narrator’s frustration and confusion in parts of “Emergency,” like when he was riding in the car with Georgie on page 388, but I never thought that he was experiencing a lot of emotion in any direction.

            I had an easier time locating emotion in Chuck Palahniuk’s “Escort,” though I still felt that the narrator was removed from the story. I thought you could get a sense of how the narrator felt on page 650 when discussing the afghans. They said, “The afghans are still boxed and in my attic… whoever finds them will ask if we can use them on our beds or give them to good will. And every Christmas I’ll say no.” Here I definitely felt the narrator’s sadness and could get a sense of how they struggled to forget the experiences they had as an escort, because they buried the quilts away and couldn’t bear to throw them out or use them.

It just struck me now, for this story especially, that maybe in this removal and attempt to distance themselves from the memories of being an escort is part of the grief that they still feel.

I think that I will have a better understanding of what these authors are doing with emotion here after class tomorrow, though I would like to try having my narrators being a little more removed from the situation, as it allows the reader to fill in the emotion that isn’t on the page.

Response to Justin Middleton’s Revised “Burgers and Murders Mystery Dinner”

Response to Justin Middleton’s Revised “Burgers and Murders Mystery Dinner”

            Cliff Akron is a parent who volunteers to help out the school play. He wants to help his son, Scott, succeed in his performance, but he discovers that the high school student director, Lea, is carrying switchblades in her purse, and tries to take keep them away from her and ends up accidentally cutting her.

            I’m going to write a little bit extra, since I won’t be there to discuss any of this in class. I think your story has most definitely improved since the first version. We get to see more of Scott and his father, and we learn more about the mother. You did a nice job of showing the transition between child and teenager that Scott is going through when he tells his father that he doesn’t want him to call him “Scotch Tape” anymore on page 3. I liked how you incorporated a lot of Cliff’s thoughts in the story without writing “I thought.” You made it flow really nicely, and it gives us a better understanding of his character.

            I liked that we got to know more about the mother, but I still want to know more. Right now I’m pretty sure she was suicidal and committed suicide by cutting her wrists, based off of Cliff’s thoughts, but I’m still not sure. It might help to explain why Cliff thinks Lea having the switchblades is such a big deal. On page 14, when the mother says, “Can’t you see that you’re killing us?” I’m left wondering what she is talking about. Cliff seems like a totally normal guy, and Scott seems like a great kid, so it makes it seem like the mother is more than just depressed, but really mentally ill. I think you can elaborate there, because it makes me wonder why she is home and not in a hospital. I also think at the end of the story, when Cliff accidentally cuts Lea, he should injure something else besides her thumb. It might be interesting if he cuts her wrist, not deeply, but it would provide another link to his wife’s condition. I would also like to see more of a resolution. I’m left wondering what happens to Scott, and what he thinks of his dad. Was his terror because Mr. Paglia was beating up his dad, or because he is afraid that he could lose his only remaining parent? I also think Lea is a little bit too melodramatic, and I noted those instances on paper.  Some of the descriptions being in brackets was a little distracting. I didn’t dislike it, but I wasn’t sure of their purpose. On page 2, it just seems like the directions from Ralph’s book, but on pages 4 and 7, it’s Cliff’s descriptions. I think if you’re trying to make it look and sound more like a play, have more descriptions similar to those on page 2. Right now it stands alone and seems out of place. I think for your descriptions in brackets on pages 4 and 7, you should just write those in normally. You’ll achieve the same pausing effect and it won’t be as distracting. Overall, I think you have a really great story in the making!