Ekphrasis Exercise- Stephanie Couturier’s “Barendrecht”

Ekphrasis Exercise- Stephanie Couturier’s “Barendrecht”

           

            The little girl looked at the houses across the water. They looked nice, she thought. Like nice people would live there. Their lawns were freshly cut; the orange one on the right had a patio table and chairs. The people inside probably had summer cookouts and barbeques there. They each had a small dock, the perfect height for jumping into the water. Her daddy bought supplies to make one, but hadn’t been able to start yet. It was just sitting in the backyard, waiting to be made. The girl looked at her own backyard, and winced. She hoped the kids across the water wouldn’t think her dirty or weird. When she asked her daddy why it wasn’t green, but all dirt, he said, “Because no one had lived here in a very long time. Now go grab your suitcase out of the car and put it in your room.”

            As she stood there, she was careful not to touch the windowsill. There were dead bugs laying on it, covered with a large layer of dust. The rest of the house needed a deep clean too. She felt like she was the only person who had been in her room in years, and felt afraid to touch anything for fear of disturbing something that had been there long before her.

            As the days went by, the house became friendlier. Her mommy and daddy showed the men where to put the furniture, and even let her help, so that it started to feel just like their old house. They got TV one day, and Internet the next. Her mommy helped her hang up her pictures in her room, and unpack the many boxes, piled almost up to her ceiling. There were boxes piled everywhere, and sometimes she would see one that would be in the wrong place, like when there was one labeled “kitchen” in her bathroom, and she would tell her daddy and he would move it.

            Everyday she looked out the window at the houses across the street. Sometimes she saw people moving around the house, and if she were lucky, the kids would come outside and play. There were three of them, two boys who seemed to be about her age, and one girl who looked a little younger. The house on the right had a dog, a golden retriever, and the kids would play ball with him. Sometimes he would even jump into the water!

            After about a week of living there, while she was watching them play together, one of the boys looked up and saw her staring. Not knowing what to do, the little girl ducked down below the windowsill, out of sight. Breathing heavily, she peeked back up to see if they were still looking, only to find that they were gone. Confused, she looked inside each window to see if they had gone in. Finding nothing, her heart started to beat faster. What if they saw her, and told their parents? What if they told her parents? She would get in trouble for spying! The doorbell rang, and she heard her mommy walk from the kitchen to answer it. She ran towards the door, hiding behind the wall that separated the foyer and the living room. It was them! The boys and girl from across the street! Heart racing, she tried to listen to what they were saying.

            “Melanie,” her mommy yelled, “there are some kids here who want to play with you.” Melanie crept around from behind the wall, not sure she heard her correctly. Her mommy smiled and said, “this is Paul, George, and Sally. They live across the water.”

            “Hi,” she said, looking down, “I’m Melanie.”

            “Do you want to come over and play with us? We were playing sailor.” Melanie agreed, and beaming, walked towards the door. She thinks she might like it here after all.

Response to Elizabeth Wieck's "Lunch Date"

Response to Elizabeth Wieck’s “Lunch Date”

                The main character, Liz, wants to take her best friend, Janet out to lunch and go shopping. Janet however has Alzheimer’s and because of that the two get into a fight. Liz realizes that life with Janet is going to be different and much harder in the coming years.

                I really liked the scene where Janet gets upset in the store. I thought that the fact a 64 year old woman wanted a red bra and underwear and went straight into the junior’s section was ironic and hilarious. I also liked your description of Vickie, who seems to just pop out of nowhere and tries to be helpful, but just ends up being annoying and making things worse. I really dislike those types of sales people and could totally relate to Janet in that moment. I think you did a really nice job characterizing Janet and displaying her disease, especially when she suggests McDonald’s for lunch and forgets to wear a bra.

                For revision, I think you could expand the scene where Janet is getting upset in the store and make it more dramatic. I think Liz should get more involved, especially when Janet flashes the Vickie right there in front of everyone. I think if Liz told Vickie about Janet’s disease it would increase the tension and give Janet a better reason for being angry with her. I think your story could also benefit from more backstory of Janet and Liz’s relationship before she got sick, so as to contrast how different it was for them now. Also, I think more description of the husband and how he is a little insensitive could help explain why Janet wanted to get out of the house so badly. Overall, I thought you did a really nice job exploring the difficulties of dealing with someone you love changing and getting ill.

Response to Richard Tyler's "Faith"

Response to Richard Tyler’s “Faith”

                Mary Katherine is a teenage girl who wants to go to confession to confess the fact that she is pregnant. She runs into many obstacles along the way, starting with her car breaking down.

                I like the sass and sarcasm you use to characterize Mary Katherine. I like that she is a strong, independent character who knows what she wants and will not stop until she gets it. You do a really nice job characterizing everyone, using dialogue and action. I like how you waited to reveal why she wanted to go to confession so badly until the end, while still hinting at it throughout the story; it did a nice job of creating suspense.

                For revision, I would work more with setting. I could never picture where Mary Katherine was, and I think an enhanced setting could up the drama in the story, especially when she is fixing her car in the beginning and when she is in the ghetto. I also think that there is a little bit of character inconsistency in Mary Katherine. In the beginning you say that she wants to be a canonized saint, but I don’t see that in the story at all. If that were the case, she wouldn’t be offering her boob to her ex-boyfriend or freely cursing so much. There were also a few inconsistencies in plot. On page 2 she says that her parents are there, but if her parents were there I think she and Samson would speak differently, and she would not be opening the hood and worrying about her car, her parents would be doing that. Also I was a little confused at how she got lost on the way to the church. If she has been going to confession for months, wouldn’t she know how to get there? I’m not really sure what the ghetto scene does for the story, or how Samson realizes that she is pregnant. I think once you fix those things you’ll have a really interesting story!

Response to Thomas Barrett’s “The Lost Diary of Stanley Parsons”

Response to Thomas Barrett’s “The Lost Diary of Stanley Parsons”

            Stanley Parsons is a young man who wants to be a travel writer. He goes on a journey to the Amazon and gets captured by cannibals, only to be saved by a woman named Patricia Bateman. He returns to New York and never wants to leave again.

            I really enjoyed the voice of the character. It was very sarcastic, even when he was faced with death. I also liked the fact that a woman came in and saved them, and I enjoyed the character’s reactions to that. I also think your story concept is really interesting and a unique idea.

            To improve your story, I think you should develop it more. I think you can really expand and give more detail of what Parsons thought about being on a ship while not being a sailor; did he like it? Did he get along with the rest of the crew? You can also expand the description of the Amazon itself. Is it hot, humid, wet, etc. I think there also needs to be more character development. It is first person point of view, except I did not feel like I understood what Parsons was thinking most of the time. Describe how he feels, especially when he is tied up. Was his sarcasm a façade for how scared he was? I also think you should give more backstory on Patricia. She comes out of nowhere to save the crew, and then takes over their ship. What was she doing in the Amazon, and can she just drop whatever it is and all of a sudden captain a ship? Also, go into detail about how the rest of the crew felt about this. Were they happy with a woman, who had obviously never been captain of a ship, taking over? And she seemed to be familiar with the tribes in the area. How did she not know that they would continue to pursue them? I think you could also explore changing the point of view to third person or third person omniscient, which might give you more room to explain everything.

Response to Justin Middleton’s “The Sun of the Stage”

Response to Justin Middleton’s “The Sun of the Stage”

            In “The Sun of the Stage” the main character is Mr. Akron, who volunteered to fill the director’s place in the school play when Ralph couldn’t make it. He wants to help out his son, Scott, while he performs on stage, but while operating the soundboard knocks over one of the high school student’s, Lea’s, purse and finds two knives. He tries to hide the knives from her, she finds out and eventually is there is a fight between them and he accidentally stabs her.

            I really loved the main character’s voice, and how he was sarcastic and funny.  One of my favorite lines was when he saw Ralph’s notes for a recipe with ricin, to which he replied, “Which is to say, not helpful.” I also liked your descriptions of Lea, your stereotypical high school girl. I thought that your description of her on the first page, when she pinches her nose and waves her hand around. It is very comical and what one would expect. I think this also makes it much more interesting when Mr. Akron finds the knives in her purse, because it is the last thing you would expect to find in there.

            For revision, I would make the age of Scott clearer. We know he’s in middle or high school, but from the description of his poking his head out behind the curtains on the first page, I at first thought he was much younger. Once I realized it was a play it made a little more sense, but his nickname, “Scotch Tape,” is one that makes me thing he is very young. I would also describe better what happened to the mother. Page seven makes me think that the mother passed away, but it is never confirmed and left me wondering. Lastly, at the end of the story, I was a little confused as to what happened to Mr. Akron. The line, “the world closes in and I wonder, I wonder, if this is how my wife felt,” makes it seem like he died, but I wasn’t sure because as far as I could tell people had just grabbed him and pulled him away. Overall though, I really enjoyed your story!

RESPONSE FOR 2/18

Response to John Edgar Wideman's "Who Invented the Jump Shot"

   I thought that the narrator had a very distinct voice, though I was unsure if it was the same person speaking throughout the entire story. I was a little confused in the beginning at the sudden jump from the conference into a car in a snowstorm, especially since the narrator seemed to be in the car with them. At the top of page 730, the narrator says “Right, and I roll my eyes back at him,” showing a first person point of view. Farther down the page, the narrator uses the words “claustrophobia” and “scotophobia,” which are scholarly sounding words. However, then he goes on to use slang and colloquialisms, like “C’mon. Give the driver a break,” and, “Chrissakes.” These words contrasted with the more scholarly words because they presented a different type of person. That’s not to say that the narrator couldn’t be complex and have a larger vocabulary but also use slang.

   I also think that the narrator may be Southern, due to his lack of correct grammar and word choices. Interestingly enough, I didn’t notice it until page 735, when he begins discussing Rastus. He says, “Grown-up Rastus a familiar sight in Hinckley,” leaving out the “is.” Similarly, further in the paragraph, he says “Rastus grateful for any kind of employment.” At the top of page 736, the narrator uses the word “folks,” which I have only encountered down South.

   It is clear that word choice, diction and syntax are the most important factors of creating a voice for one’s character. I think John Edgar Wideman was successful in doing this, and I will definitely look at this story for examples in the future. I will also try to mimic his word choices to create an accent, though I don’t think I will leave out the grammar like he did, because it would be distracting.

RESPONSE FOR 2/11

Response to Richard Bausch’s “1-900”

   I found Bausch’s use of dialogue very interesting. It reminded me of the dialogue in Cormac McCarthy’s All the Pretty Horses, since both Bausch and McCarthy do not use quotation marks or dialogue tags. While unconventional, I thought this technique was successful. Since there were only two people speaking, it was easy enough to follow along, and make the conversation seem to move along faster. I also noticed that to make the conversation more diverse and allow one character to remain silent without causing confusion, Bausch would have the other character repeat their name. For example, on page 55, John says “More than one school? College?” but Marilyn stays silent, represented by an ellipsis, and then John continues, “Hello? Was it college?” From that statement alone, the reader can be pretty sure it is John, since that would be an unusual response to his question, but to erase any ambiguity or confusion, Marilyn says “John, I really can’t get that personal.”

   I also noticed, however, that while successful in providing conversation, “1-900” did not have much setting or description. Marilyn describes that she is naked and lying down, but we don’t know that for sure (54). John also describes his apartment some, but we don’t know what he is doing, where he is or really what he is thinking.

   I think this style of dialogue, without much description or a narrator, can be used successfully in a short story, but in any longer works there would need to be a narrator or the characters would need to discuss their surroundings. I probably will not use this technique much in my own writing because I tend to get wrapped up in dialogue and forget to describe as it is.

Dialogue Exercise

1. Tonight I am getting up at like 3 am and tomorrow we are going  to Epcot in the morning, then eating at... Spaghetti....  Then we're going to fantasmic.
The. Magic kingdom is the next day, I'm excited

2. Good,.

1. Then Sunday we're coming back early because LJ has...

2. Cool. I'm not getting back until like 5:30

1. And then you have Greek sing?

2. Oh...yeah...

1. I really hope you can bring keds.

Couldn't hear conversation...

2. I feel like there's no way, I feel like we're going to wear...

1. The tennis shoes that have all the colors, the hip-hoppy ones. You know what I'm talking about?

2. I hope I get to wear those..

1. I hope it doesn't look ghetto.

2. I think there's too much hip hop in it to wear keds.

1. I mean it's kind of throughout but there are moments,

2. Yeah. I think it's the theme that matters more than the music.

1. I still haven't emailed thoseeople telling them about the business...

2. You need to do that and then you need to stop doing business things...

1. Paige said we can come visit... Any time.

2. Why doesn't he jut drop him off at creek side and we can play with him there?

1. She lives far away,..

2. I thought she lived,... I don't know where I thought she lived

1. She moved

2. I know she moved. I'm not going to go over there just to pet a cat. I'm allergic

1. Oh that's true.




   The characters in Burgin's "The Identity Club" have very lofty speech, saying phrases that normal, every day people do not usually say. For example, "There's something in the air tonight I crave, although I couldn't say exactly what it is. Some dark bell-like sound, some secret perfumed scent coming from the night that draws me forward" (156). The two girls I overheard speaking about Disneyland, however, spoke in shorter phrases. They also used a lot of slang, like when speaking about their Greek Sing dance competition. One girl said that she hoped they did not look "ghetto." The characters in the text did not use any slang.
   Both the text and the girls had silences in conversation. Some of the "..." refer to words I couldn't hear, but a lot of it is silence. They seemed to reflect on what was said silently in their own heads. There was one point in the overheard conversation where they had exhausted one topic, Disneyworld, and simply sat there until the other girl started speaking. I think this was really interesting, because I sometimes find myself writing continuous dialogue in my stories, back and forth, because I think that it will be boring if I don't. While in the overheard conversation I could just type "..." and convey that there was silence, in the text the author does that by adding setting and character thoughts. For example, "'Fine,' Remy said, who felt he was hardly in a position to object. In the club Remy suspected that members assumed their identities with varying degrees of intensity." He continues for a another few sentences before another character speaks, conveying a silence.
   While both the conversation and the text have different types of dialogue, one with short, slipped responses and slang, and the other with longer, poetic language, they both are successful in conveying tone, silence, and allow the reader to get a feel for how the character is feeling.

RESPONSE FOR 2/4

Response for 2/4

   Both "To Hell With Likeability"  by Rick Moody and "We Are Not Your Mother" by Janice Eidus try to teach the same lesson, which is to not worry about what other people will think or like, but to be true and to make your characters real. Moody really slammed that message home when he said, "if what you are looking for is gentle affirmations... or if what your require is reassurance that everything you personally have done is sweet and good nod worthy of admiration, I suggest go work in greeting-card composition!" (2) This at first shocked me a little, but then made me laugh. Greeting cards are supposed to be these one dimensional happy phrases and it was a really perfect reference. Janice Eidus then went on to talk about characters, and how we should make them complex, including all of the bad things in life. This I thought was a really important aspect that I need to think a bit more about, because a perfect character would be perfectly boring. Just like Eidus pointed out with her friend's character, Samantha, a perfect, one dimensional character is annoying and boring, because it isn't real (57). I think we see some of this in Aimee Bender's "Off" with the main character. For example, she shows up to the party completely out-dressing everyone, making the host feel under dressed and putting on another necklace (111). She then steals everyone's coats, and listens to them while sitting in a closet, pretending to be asleep so she can kiss a guy just to kiss him (116-118). While the main character isn't by any means a good person, she's interesting. Think of how boring it would be to read about a woman at a party, without anything happening.