Response to Justin Middleton’s Revised “Burgers and Murders Mystery Dinner”

Response to Justin Middleton’s Revised “Burgers and Murders Mystery Dinner”

            Cliff Akron is a parent who volunteers to help out the school play. He wants to help his son, Scott, succeed in his performance, but he discovers that the high school student director, Lea, is carrying switchblades in her purse, and tries to take keep them away from her and ends up accidentally cutting her.

            I’m going to write a little bit extra, since I won’t be there to discuss any of this in class. I think your story has most definitely improved since the first version. We get to see more of Scott and his father, and we learn more about the mother. You did a nice job of showing the transition between child and teenager that Scott is going through when he tells his father that he doesn’t want him to call him “Scotch Tape” anymore on page 3. I liked how you incorporated a lot of Cliff’s thoughts in the story without writing “I thought.” You made it flow really nicely, and it gives us a better understanding of his character.

            I liked that we got to know more about the mother, but I still want to know more. Right now I’m pretty sure she was suicidal and committed suicide by cutting her wrists, based off of Cliff’s thoughts, but I’m still not sure. It might help to explain why Cliff thinks Lea having the switchblades is such a big deal. On page 14, when the mother says, “Can’t you see that you’re killing us?” I’m left wondering what she is talking about. Cliff seems like a totally normal guy, and Scott seems like a great kid, so it makes it seem like the mother is more than just depressed, but really mentally ill. I think you can elaborate there, because it makes me wonder why she is home and not in a hospital. I also think at the end of the story, when Cliff accidentally cuts Lea, he should injure something else besides her thumb. It might be interesting if he cuts her wrist, not deeply, but it would provide another link to his wife’s condition. I would also like to see more of a resolution. I’m left wondering what happens to Scott, and what he thinks of his dad. Was his terror because Mr. Paglia was beating up his dad, or because he is afraid that he could lose his only remaining parent? I also think Lea is a little bit too melodramatic, and I noted those instances on paper.  Some of the descriptions being in brackets was a little distracting. I didn’t dislike it, but I wasn’t sure of their purpose. On page 2, it just seems like the directions from Ralph’s book, but on pages 4 and 7, it’s Cliff’s descriptions. I think if you’re trying to make it look and sound more like a play, have more descriptions similar to those on page 2. Right now it stands alone and seems out of place. I think for your descriptions in brackets on pages 4 and 7, you should just write those in normally. You’ll achieve the same pausing effect and it won’t be as distracting. Overall, I think you have a really great story in the making!

UPC's Songwriting Showcase

I went to UPC’s Songwriting Showcase on February 25. It was a student competition, judged by Teddy Geiger, professional songwriter and singer. Students had submitted their songs, and the top eight were selected to perform them.

I found that their songs shared many characteristics of creative writing, from form to word choice and other stylistic elements. For example, their songs followed an outline similar to the inverted check mark we follow. They always began slow, addressing some source of conflict, and built up to the chorus, which acted as the climax. The end of the song slowed down, acting as the resolution. Like in a short story, there is a structure to the song that leaves the listener feeling satisfied. The best example of this was Sarah Colvin’s “It’s Not Over.” She sang about being in love and her and her partner overcoming obstacles (which she didn’t specify) to be together.

I also noticed that the themes in the songs greatly resembled themes often seen in creative writing. There were a few songs that dealt with love and loss, and how to find oneself after a breakup. One song discussed the need to slow down and enjoy life, and another was about battling depression. Like we have many characters and voices in a story, in a song the instruments act as those voices. They help to convey the feeling of sadness, of happiness or joy. A certain note or end of a verse can foreshadow a coming event in the song. The instruments give a song its character. The human voice can only go so far, but the choice of the instrument and how it is tuned can have a huge impact on the tone of the song. For example, Jarret Roland and Jaden Beard’s “Rain” was a punk rock song about depression. Their guitars produced more of a wailing sound, and the lead singer sometimes screamed into the microphone, changing the tone of the song. If they had sung it acoustically, it would have sounded like a totally different song.

Word choice is also extremely important in songwriting. One wrong or misplaced word can ruin the entire work, making it sound awkward. Like in poetry or short fiction, words carrying a heavy weight with many meanings. One word can mean many different things, giving the work a deeper complexity.

Through this Songwriting Showcase, I learned how connected each of the creative arts are. Poetry, fiction and songwriting have the same stylistic barriers and guidelines, but more importantly, their similarities in theme showcase the human condition and emotions that every writer has in common.

Response to Amber Bryant’s “Keegan Killer Kid”

Response to Amber Bryant’s “Keegan Killer Kid”

Kadiss is a 21 year-old girl who returns to her mother’s old house after fourteen years to visit her mother in prison and see her execution. She wrestles with the idea that her mother is a serial killer, who killed her father and attempted to kill her, yet she still loves her.

I like the way you characterize Kadiss, with her dry vision of reality, like on page 4 when she isn’t fazed by the writing on her house, but jokes that she already has her own groupies, or on page 8 when she says that her pat down is “professional rape.” I also liked your use of the box, and how it provided a personal connection with her mother that she had lost a long time ago.

For revision, I think that your story could improve by elaborating on the scenes you already have. For example, I would like to see more of the time she spent with the box and connecting with her mother that way. I think it would help link her sudden realization of love for her mother towards the end. I would also like to see more of what is going on in the scene where she is talking with her mother. As it is now, it seems like she only has five minutes to spend with her. I think if they talk about some of the issues between them, that could help move the story along and create more tension for Kadiss. I think there also needs to be some clarification with the mother and her actions as a serial killer. We learn that she used to kill her rehab patients by having them overdose and then tries to run from the police, but the violent, brutal killing of Kadiss’s father and attempted killing of Kadiss seems out of place. I would also like to see more character development for Dr. Harper and Steven. Right now, they only act as a mean for her to see inside the box. I would like to see them having a greater role in the story.

This is a really interesting concept and has a lot of potential, good job!

Response to Andrea’s “Neoteny”

Response to Andrea Gonzalez’s “Neoteny”

            Meredith is a girl in college who lives in Birmingham. She tries to deal with the fact that her sister got pregnant, and decided to tell her through a text message. She goes with her brother to pick up their sister from the airport, and they end up fighting about the baby and almost crashing.

            I really like all of the imagery you had in your story, especially your description of the messiness of waking up in the morning on the first page. I also really like how you showed Meredith’s distraction and avoidance while she was on the phone with Elena on page 3 by having her think about the state of her kitchen. You do a really nice job of conveying Meredith’s emotions to us with images as well, like when her hands are sweaty, or her picking junk out of her nails while talking with her mother. One of my favorite parts was when Meredith rants in her head about the conversation she had with her mother on page 6, especially when you say “she seemed to be alternating between the stages of scary Latin woman rage to uncontrollable weeping.”

            For revision, I think your story could benefit from more action. Instead of having Elena text her, maybe she could show up and surprise her with the information. It would bring more action to the page and create more conflict between the two sisters. I would also like to see some of the scene where Meredith and her mother are talking. We only really see how she reacts to the situation when she is alone, and I think it would be nice to see how she reaches out to others for advice and support. As a character, Elena seems a little flat. She seems pregnant and proud, not caring what everyone thinks of her, except I get the feeling that that is a façade, and that she does have doubts and insecurities. After the two fight, if she expresses those, maybe that can help the two girls bond. I also think we need more backstory on why Elena is having such a hard time accepting this. Is it because of religious background, her own ideals about life, etc.

            Your story deals with a really interesting concept that has a lot of potential for a lot of drama and conflict!

Ekphrasis Exercise- Stephanie Couturier’s “Barendrecht”

Ekphrasis Exercise- Stephanie Couturier’s “Barendrecht”

           

            The little girl looked at the houses across the water. They looked nice, she thought. Like nice people would live there. Their lawns were freshly cut; the orange one on the right had a patio table and chairs. The people inside probably had summer cookouts and barbeques there. They each had a small dock, the perfect height for jumping into the water. Her daddy bought supplies to make one, but hadn’t been able to start yet. It was just sitting in the backyard, waiting to be made. The girl looked at her own backyard, and winced. She hoped the kids across the water wouldn’t think her dirty or weird. When she asked her daddy why it wasn’t green, but all dirt, he said, “Because no one had lived here in a very long time. Now go grab your suitcase out of the car and put it in your room.”

            As she stood there, she was careful not to touch the windowsill. There were dead bugs laying on it, covered with a large layer of dust. The rest of the house needed a deep clean too. She felt like she was the only person who had been in her room in years, and felt afraid to touch anything for fear of disturbing something that had been there long before her.

            As the days went by, the house became friendlier. Her mommy and daddy showed the men where to put the furniture, and even let her help, so that it started to feel just like their old house. They got TV one day, and Internet the next. Her mommy helped her hang up her pictures in her room, and unpack the many boxes, piled almost up to her ceiling. There were boxes piled everywhere, and sometimes she would see one that would be in the wrong place, like when there was one labeled “kitchen” in her bathroom, and she would tell her daddy and he would move it.

            Everyday she looked out the window at the houses across the street. Sometimes she saw people moving around the house, and if she were lucky, the kids would come outside and play. There were three of them, two boys who seemed to be about her age, and one girl who looked a little younger. The house on the right had a dog, a golden retriever, and the kids would play ball with him. Sometimes he would even jump into the water!

            After about a week of living there, while she was watching them play together, one of the boys looked up and saw her staring. Not knowing what to do, the little girl ducked down below the windowsill, out of sight. Breathing heavily, she peeked back up to see if they were still looking, only to find that they were gone. Confused, she looked inside each window to see if they had gone in. Finding nothing, her heart started to beat faster. What if they saw her, and told their parents? What if they told her parents? She would get in trouble for spying! The doorbell rang, and she heard her mommy walk from the kitchen to answer it. She ran towards the door, hiding behind the wall that separated the foyer and the living room. It was them! The boys and girl from across the street! Heart racing, she tried to listen to what they were saying.

            “Melanie,” her mommy yelled, “there are some kids here who want to play with you.” Melanie crept around from behind the wall, not sure she heard her correctly. Her mommy smiled and said, “this is Paul, George, and Sally. They live across the water.”

            “Hi,” she said, looking down, “I’m Melanie.”

            “Do you want to come over and play with us? We were playing sailor.” Melanie agreed, and beaming, walked towards the door. She thinks she might like it here after all.