Response to Andrea’s “Neoteny”

Response to Andrea Gonzalez’s “Neoteny”

            Meredith is a girl in college who lives in Birmingham. She tries to deal with the fact that her sister got pregnant, and decided to tell her through a text message. She goes with her brother to pick up their sister from the airport, and they end up fighting about the baby and almost crashing.

            I really like all of the imagery you had in your story, especially your description of the messiness of waking up in the morning on the first page. I also really like how you showed Meredith’s distraction and avoidance while she was on the phone with Elena on page 3 by having her think about the state of her kitchen. You do a really nice job of conveying Meredith’s emotions to us with images as well, like when her hands are sweaty, or her picking junk out of her nails while talking with her mother. One of my favorite parts was when Meredith rants in her head about the conversation she had with her mother on page 6, especially when you say “she seemed to be alternating between the stages of scary Latin woman rage to uncontrollable weeping.”

            For revision, I think your story could benefit from more action. Instead of having Elena text her, maybe she could show up and surprise her with the information. It would bring more action to the page and create more conflict between the two sisters. I would also like to see some of the scene where Meredith and her mother are talking. We only really see how she reacts to the situation when she is alone, and I think it would be nice to see how she reaches out to others for advice and support. As a character, Elena seems a little flat. She seems pregnant and proud, not caring what everyone thinks of her, except I get the feeling that that is a façade, and that she does have doubts and insecurities. After the two fight, if she expresses those, maybe that can help the two girls bond. I also think we need more backstory on why Elena is having such a hard time accepting this. Is it because of religious background, her own ideals about life, etc.

            Your story deals with a really interesting concept that has a lot of potential for a lot of drama and conflict!