Response to Justin Middleton’s Revised “Burgers and Murders Mystery Dinner”

Response to Justin Middleton’s Revised “Burgers and Murders Mystery Dinner”

            Cliff Akron is a parent who volunteers to help out the school play. He wants to help his son, Scott, succeed in his performance, but he discovers that the high school student director, Lea, is carrying switchblades in her purse, and tries to take keep them away from her and ends up accidentally cutting her.

            I’m going to write a little bit extra, since I won’t be there to discuss any of this in class. I think your story has most definitely improved since the first version. We get to see more of Scott and his father, and we learn more about the mother. You did a nice job of showing the transition between child and teenager that Scott is going through when he tells his father that he doesn’t want him to call him “Scotch Tape” anymore on page 3. I liked how you incorporated a lot of Cliff’s thoughts in the story without writing “I thought.” You made it flow really nicely, and it gives us a better understanding of his character.

            I liked that we got to know more about the mother, but I still want to know more. Right now I’m pretty sure she was suicidal and committed suicide by cutting her wrists, based off of Cliff’s thoughts, but I’m still not sure. It might help to explain why Cliff thinks Lea having the switchblades is such a big deal. On page 14, when the mother says, “Can’t you see that you’re killing us?” I’m left wondering what she is talking about. Cliff seems like a totally normal guy, and Scott seems like a great kid, so it makes it seem like the mother is more than just depressed, but really mentally ill. I think you can elaborate there, because it makes me wonder why she is home and not in a hospital. I also think at the end of the story, when Cliff accidentally cuts Lea, he should injure something else besides her thumb. It might be interesting if he cuts her wrist, not deeply, but it would provide another link to his wife’s condition. I would also like to see more of a resolution. I’m left wondering what happens to Scott, and what he thinks of his dad. Was his terror because Mr. Paglia was beating up his dad, or because he is afraid that he could lose his only remaining parent? I also think Lea is a little bit too melodramatic, and I noted those instances on paper.  Some of the descriptions being in brackets was a little distracting. I didn’t dislike it, but I wasn’t sure of their purpose. On page 2, it just seems like the directions from Ralph’s book, but on pages 4 and 7, it’s Cliff’s descriptions. I think if you’re trying to make it look and sound more like a play, have more descriptions similar to those on page 2. Right now it stands alone and seems out of place. I think for your descriptions in brackets on pages 4 and 7, you should just write those in normally. You’ll achieve the same pausing effect and it won’t be as distracting. Overall, I think you have a really great story in the making!