Crayon Exercise

1. How did your color map compare to the published writer's?
    My color map had a lot of the same colors and had a decent mix of them on the first page, but on the second page it was dominated by dialogue and action.

2. What seems to be missing in your work?
     I am missing a lot of sensory descriptions, like touch and taste and smell. I had a lot of opportunities to add these in my first story in the hamburger place or the hospital.

3. What do you want to include more of?
     I want to include more exposition, sensory detail, and backstory- I didn't have any backstory.

4. What do you intend to cut back on?
      I need to cut back on dialogue, or at least add more things to my dialogue so it isn't so one dimensional. 

RESPONSE FOR 4/10

RESPONSE FOR 4/10

            Chris Offutt’s “Performing Surgery Without Anesthesia” reminds me a lot of my eleventh grade AP English teacher. He used to say, “Garbage down, baby,” and most of us didn’t really get it or want to do it, since we just wanted to finish our papers as quickly as possible and never go back to them again. Since coming to college and starting my writing career I have experienced the importance of just simply writing, as Offutt describes, and not going back to fix the garbage, or polish, while I’m doing it, but to come back to the work later and with fresh eyes. I most definitely connected with Offutt when he described on page 206 the euphoric feeling that your story is a masterpiece when you finish the first draft, and then realizing it’s “crap.” I experienced this during my first workshop last semester, and continue to experience it this semester, and probably will forever.

            I like Offutt’s idea of taking some time away from the story before beginning the to revise. I agree that it helps to distance you emotionally from the text and allow you to see it with a new, objective perspective. I thought of Roland Barthes’ “The Death of the Author” on page 208, when Offutt talks about letting go of your first ideas about where the story would go and just focusing on what the story is actually about. Barthes’ argument is similar in that he believes that once the story is written, the author is essentially dead, because he has no control over the story or its meaning.

            When going through revision for my portfolio I will try to follow Offutt’s structured method of starting with the opening and closing and cutting out the boring pages, marking up a printed copy, the ending and seeing if I will need to reorder some scenes.

Response to Amber Bryant’s “Ti Amo”

Response to Amber Bryant’s “Ti Amo”

            “Ti Amo” is a conversation between a wife and her husband when she calls to complete the apology step in her 12-step recovery program for being addicted to heroine. She wants him to accept and also reject her apology.

            I liked that you used all dialogue. I thought it presented an interesting tension between the husband and wife and demonstrated how long they have gone without speaking. I like the little detail about the mother saving animals on page 8. It showed a lot about David as a character, and that he still cared some for Via. I like that the ending is a flash-forward to when Via is recovered and has published a successful book as well.

            Though I like the ending, and it continues with an all-dialogue structure, I want to see more happen between her conversation with David and the three years before the interview. Since it is outside the conversation with David, I feel like it opens up the possibility to give more information about Via and her troubles. Maybe add in another conversation with David when she is writing the book or going through a relapse again. Because of the ending scene, I’m not sure that the all dialogue technique works. I would suggest rewriting the story with a more traditional narrative structure so we can see more. I want to know what happened with Via’s kids. She mentions at the end that they started to know about her addiction, and I want to know more about that moment and interactions she had with them, since it seems like she only speaks to them on the phone every few months or years. She also mentions a miscarriage on page 4, and I want to know more about that as well. She apologizes for having a miscarriage, which (I think) is generally biological and not anyone’s fault, unless it was because of her drug use. Expand on this. I also think you could do more with Via’s voice. She stutters and is extremely anxious in the beginning and then on page three her voice becomes much stronger and sound. 

            I also think you should make it clearer that you're using Italian instead of Spanish earlier than page 9, or just change from Italian to Spanish, because the phrase "ti amo" is so similar to the Spanish "the amo," which (I think) is much more widely known, and created some confusion for me. Overall, you had a really engaging concept and I think you have a great story in the making!

Response to Andrea Gonzalez’s “6.7 Went to Heaven”

Response to Andrea Gonzalez’s “6.7 Went to Heaven”

            “6.7 Went to Heaven” is a story about Amber, a college senior whose depression and acting out is triggered by a large number of job rejections. She seems to be in somewhat of a psychological evaluation session, based on Janet’s end conclusion that she should go to a correctional facility on page 8.

            I really really like the voices of the characters. You did a really good job of developing two different, independent voices that really portray the character’s inner thoughts and feelings. One of my favorite lines was on page 5-“Who the fuck likes accounting?” I think it did a really nice job of showcasing the fact that Amber is only doing what she thinks she is supposed to do, not what she loves doing, which I think largely contributes to her troubles, because she feels like she sacrificed part of herself to be able to get a job and be successful, but she’s not getting those jobs. I was able to picture the two sitting in a psychologist’s office in large comfortable chairs. Janet’s voice was very clam, and I could clearly picture her sitting straight in her chair with a pen and notepad in her hand, while Amber is sprawled out on her chair, legs maybe over one side.

            For revision, I think I would connect the story that Amber shares about the merry-go-round on page 3 more with the rest of the story. Right now I’m not quite sure how it fits in or what it does for her character. Also, Amber seems really messed up for being a college senior. I thought most of her behavior was more typical of high school seniors, and I was surprised that she would have made it to senior year with this much stress and anxiety. I’m not sure whether or not you should make her younger, you would have to change her reason for being so upset, but if you keep her older I think you need to make her episodes less senior prank-eqsue.

            Overall though, I really enjoyed reading your story and I think it’s a great one! I admire your bold, all dialogue story without quotation marks.

Response to Richard Tyler

   This is a story about Kristen, who is in jail and is being interviewed about a murder case that she was charged in.
   I think you did a really good job with the all dialogue story. You showed enough detail through the questions and responses that I was able to picture and understand everything. I think you did a nice job with character development as well. I could tell that Kristen was annoyed and didn't want to be there just based on her short answers or her lack of answer, which I thought was a really good technique. I also like the fact that you had Kristen be interviewed, it allowed you to give lots of backstory and detail and really get into each character's head.
   For revision, I think you could have the interviewer use a little more transition between topics, sometimes it seemed a little jagged or choppy.  I was also confused by the bottom of the first page, when it says "(inaudible)" because that implies to me that someone is listening to either the conversation happening or a recording of the conversation, and that is never clarified in the text. I was also a little confused why Kristen would give up so much information about drugs and her background and why she openly admits to hiding the clothes when she is only on trial and hasn't been convicted for anything yet. She would have just ruined her chances of getting off. I was also unclear about the actual crime. On page five it says that Matt came on to Aaron while he was being robbed, which seems like an odd reaction for someone who is being robbed. It also says that Aaron was fueled with "gay-panic" which was a confusing term for me. I wasn't sure what it meant, or why panic would cause Aaron to kill Matt. It seemed like it would be more of a rage-filled crime.

Response to Elizabeth Wieck's "Christmas Traditions"

   This is a story about Sara, who is visiting her grandmother's house for a late Christmas celebration, and the stress being around family creates. I like all the little details you add to the story, they give it a really unique and interesting feel. Like when you say that the main character's dad works at a hospital so you have Christmas late, or how the grandmother is always in everyone's business. I connected a lot with that; I feel like everyone's grandmother can be a little nagging or particular, but you have to be super polite to them and just grin and bear it. I also really liked how the grandmother pulled out newspaper clippings. My grandmother does that every time I go to their house.
   For revision, I think you should make the family lines more clear. I wasn't sure who Sara's immediate family was, or where her mother was. Because Aunt Amy spoke so much in the beginning I thought for a while that the mother had died or for some other reason she wasn't in the picture. I also think you could expand on the grandmother a little more. I definitely understood that she nags out of love, and wants to try to do everything and love on her grand kids, but because of the constant repetition about the sausage I was unsure if she had a disease. She says it three times in the first three pages, twice on page three. I think you could keep that and convey how worrisome the grandmother is better if you space them out. In addition, I think Sara's voice could be developed more. Right now she seems to just observe everything and she doesn't react to what is going on. We don't know her thoughts or what she thinks of her grandmother until the very end. I think to amp up the drama and conflict at the end, when Josh breaks the chair, it would be good to have the grandmother show more emotion than just walking out of the room. It would show how much she cares about them and the time they had together when the grand kids were little.  

Place Exercise- Story 1

He took me on a date, if you want to call it that, to some rundown, hole-in-the-wall hamburger place in a part of town so sketchy I vowed to never go there. Outside is a huge red neon sign that says “Fred’s Hamburgers,” though almost every other letter is burnt out. When you walk inside there is a giant hamburger with a mustache hanging up on the wall above the register, and the tile has the typical tan, flecked design, though the color is faded because of sun damage and the grout is black with dirt and grime. The menu has handwritten additions and modifications written on tape and placed over the originals, and the pictures have long since been discolored. He insisted that’s where the best food is. It’s probably also where the best crack is.