Workshop Response- "CHLOE"

Crystal Rawls's "CHLOE"

            Nicole, the main character, has just been unceremoniously dropped off at her dorm for her freshman year of college. She is shown around her floor by one of the girls who live there, Alexis, and encounters her very strange roommates. A week later, each girl on the floor is attacked in some way, and Nicole gets all the blame. There is a fight, but then everyone ends up coming clean about what they did. They soon realize that they had been using other people’s things from other floors, and then blame it on the mysterious girl who lives in the basement, Chloe.

            I really like the attitude and sarcasm of Nicole, like when she says, “Note to self, lock bedroom door and computer.” I also really like the subject of the story, it’s really relatable. Everyone has either had a bad roommate, or has a friend who had a bad experience. I think you do a really great job describing the house in the beginning on the first page; I could really picture it. I liked how you made Omega walking around in her towel- because that is so realistic for college girls!

            I think you should change the tense that the story is set in. You use present tense, and sometimes that feels really unnatural or is confusing to read, and I think using the past tense would clear that up. I think your characterization techniques are good, but are a little overdone. For example, we see that Alexis is very self-absorbed in the beginning, but again and again she’s putting on makeup, like with the eye shadow and mascara, and that doesn’t seem natural. I think Omega’s name, being a Greek letter, and having her be in a sorority is also overkill. I think you can also cut some dialogue that doesn’t seem natural, like when Nicole asks Omega if she’s in a sorority, and replace it with a description of the setting, like Omega could have her sorority’s letters all over her door. I think your conflict could also be a little clearer. I like how Nicole gets blamed for everything, but I think the conflict can be introduced earlier and the climax could be more dramatic. I would also like to see Chloe, and have Nicole meet her. The other girls on her hall seem to be unreliable in their judgments, and I am curious to know if Chloe really is some creeper.