Workshop Response- "Serenity"

Response for Alli Griffin’s “Serenity”

            The main character, Liz, wants to protect and continue nannying for a family she has been working for, but gets fired because of the ugly divorce the parents are going through. She realizes at the end of the story that she can’t force the parents to be better parents to their kids.

            First of all, I loved Divorce Barbie. That really made me laugh, and provided some nice comic relief in the story. I really like the line “the walls were almost bare with a few antagonizing nails pointing out reminding everyone that something had once been there,” on page three. I think it really does a nice job of expressing the depression in the house, without coming right out and saying it. I also think Liz as a character is really believable. I can totally relate to her, and everything she says and thinks sounds natural, like a real person would say it. I also really like your dialogue, it also sounds very natural. I also really enjoyed

            I think your story could benefit from less summary and more detail, especially when Liz gets the call from Maddie about Brayden being in the hospital, or when she is in her car after having the confrontation with his parents. I also think The resolution could be a little stronger, I would like to see what Liz does after she realizes she can’t mother them, maybe flash forward to a few weeks later and she runs into them in the grocery store? I also think the scene where Mrs. Jenny fires her should be broken into two scenes. I didn’t really believe that Mrs. Jenny would act like her best friend and then turn around and fire her. 

Workshop Response- "The Public School Education"

Response to Alec Nash’s “The Public School Educator”

            The main character, Tom Vance, is a public school teacher. He gets a student in trouble, and then plays hooky and runs into him and his mom, who threatens to call the principle, which will make Tom lose his job.

            I really liked the way you used point of view, it really seemed to fit the story and help it flow well. I think you did a really nice job incorporating the thoughts of Tom without making it seem like he’s talking to himself. I also really liked how you characterized the relationship between Tom and his wife, I could really picture them as an old married couple. I also thought it was great when Tom’s cynical outlook on life came back to bite him when he threw away the guy in the wheelchair’s pizza.

            I think what Tom wants could be a little clearer. It seems like he wants to be done with his job, since he hates all of his students, but then when the opportunity to leave (get fired) he panics and begs Tanya to not tell the principal that he was out of school. I also think the storyline could be a little clearer with the conflict. Though I liked the scene, I wasn’t really sure how the man in the wheelchair played into the story. I think you could also use a little more imagery to describe the setting. I think there should be another reason why the students don’t like Tom so much, because while he may be a bad teacher, Ricky didn’t do his homework, and seems to not do it very often, which makes Tom totally justified. I also would like to see more of a resolution at the end- how Tom feels about it, if his wife finds out, etc. 

Workshop Response- "The Watchmaker"

Thomas Barrett's "The Watchmaker"

            Rory Stamper, the main character, is an introverted accountant who enjoys making watches as a hobby. He goes to a club with some friends, and runs into the beautiful woman he had helped while at work. He takes her back to his apartment, where she poisons him and steals all of his watches and other valuables.

            I like your characterization of Rory. The Chinese food for breakfast, making watches by himself all day, and his low self esteem really help to paint him as a guy who doesn’t like to be surrounded by other people and isn’t very put together. I thought the descriptions of the various settings and of Rory flowed very smoothly- the whole story had a nice flow to it.

            I liked all of the descriptions of Rory building the watch, but it seemed to drag on. It didn’t really do anything for the story. I also think his immediate obsession with Allison is a little strange; I only felt this way when he says he dreamt about her on page 2. It also struck me as odd that Rory had any friends, especially a best friend. His characterization paints him as a sort of loner, especially when he turns this TV on to make it “seem like he wasn’t totally alone in the small apartment,” and while I thought his aversion to the club was very characteristic, it seemed strange that he had friends calling him up. It’s clear from the beginning that Rory wants to date Allison, but the ending comes out of nowhere. I was suspicious of Allison, since everything was very coincidental, but I never thought she would just up and kill him. I think you can change this by adding the detail about the robberies and murders in the beginning of the story when Rory turns on the news for background noise. Also, there was some inconsistency once I put it all together, because he remembers hearing her name somewhere, but he never gives any details about the news reporting her name or even having a suspect for the crimes. Overall though, it was a really interesting idea for conflict and I really liked it.

Workshop Response- "CHLOE"

Crystal Rawls's "CHLOE"

            Nicole, the main character, has just been unceremoniously dropped off at her dorm for her freshman year of college. She is shown around her floor by one of the girls who live there, Alexis, and encounters her very strange roommates. A week later, each girl on the floor is attacked in some way, and Nicole gets all the blame. There is a fight, but then everyone ends up coming clean about what they did. They soon realize that they had been using other people’s things from other floors, and then blame it on the mysterious girl who lives in the basement, Chloe.

            I really like the attitude and sarcasm of Nicole, like when she says, “Note to self, lock bedroom door and computer.” I also really like the subject of the story, it’s really relatable. Everyone has either had a bad roommate, or has a friend who had a bad experience. I think you do a really great job describing the house in the beginning on the first page; I could really picture it. I liked how you made Omega walking around in her towel- because that is so realistic for college girls!

            I think you should change the tense that the story is set in. You use present tense, and sometimes that feels really unnatural or is confusing to read, and I think using the past tense would clear that up. I think your characterization techniques are good, but are a little overdone. For example, we see that Alexis is very self-absorbed in the beginning, but again and again she’s putting on makeup, like with the eye shadow and mascara, and that doesn’t seem natural. I think Omega’s name, being a Greek letter, and having her be in a sorority is also overkill. I think you can also cut some dialogue that doesn’t seem natural, like when Nicole asks Omega if she’s in a sorority, and replace it with a description of the setting, like Omega could have her sorority’s letters all over her door. I think your conflict could also be a little clearer. I like how Nicole gets blamed for everything, but I think the conflict can be introduced earlier and the climax could be more dramatic. I would also like to see Chloe, and have Nicole meet her. The other girls on her hall seem to be unreliable in their judgments, and I am curious to know if Chloe really is some creeper.

Workshop Response- "Adolfo's Son Talked Too Much"

Hunter Cohen’s “Adolfo’s Son Talked Too Much”

The main character is Sigmund, who is also known as S. The conflict is that his new friend, Charlie, is African American, and is kicked out of Sigmund’s favorite diner. Sigmund also wants to tutor the owner of the diner, Adolfo’s, son in English, but because of this will not be able to.

            I liked the way you characterized all of your characters. By saying Louis had greasy hair and that his breath smelled like whiskey that implies that he is not very put together and lazy. I also thought you did a good job with having your characters interact with the setting to break up dialogue, like when Adolfo points at the sign that said “white and colored only.” I really liked the line “’I live the American Dream,’ I replied with a hint of sarcasm.” I thought it told us about Sigmund’s character and I thought it was funny. You also did a good job of characterizing him through his actions. I saw him as being very kind, since he had just met Louis and invited him out to breakfast, paid for him, and gave him his sunglasses. You also do a really good job of showing Sigmund’s thoughts without making it sound like he is talking to himself.

            I think the conflict could be introduced a little earlier, and be clearer. I was not sure what Sigmund wanted, or how he changed at the end of the story. I think adding the conflict earlier will help the story not be as slow. I also was a little confused by Louis’s character. It seemed strange that two people would meet for the first time after a party they were both at, especially when Louis stayed the night at Sigmund’s apartment. I also was not sure what mentioning the party did for the story, since they did not meet there. I also thought the ending didn’t resolve anything- Sigmund did not get to talk to Adolfo. I was also confused by the title. It made me think that Adolfo’s son would play a part in the story, but he was only mentioned once or twice, and didn’t actually say anything.

Conflict exercise.

Liza untangled her headphones as she began her warm up on the treadmill. She couldn’t wait to run for the next half hour and not think of all of the stuff she has to finish. Tests, papers, organizing that fundraiser, it will all be put on hold; it would just be Liza and the treadmill. She began playing Imagine Dragons, her favorite artist to run to. Some of her friends think they’re a little too hard rock, but she doesn’t care. Just as she got into her groove, someone got on the treadmill next to her. With two whole rows of empty treadmills, they just had to choose that one. She internally rolled her eyes and tried to ignore them.

            “Hey, Liza! Imagine running into you here!” Liza hesitated and pulled out one of her ear buds. This was the second time she had run in to him this week, and was beginning to suspect that it wasn’t a coincidence.

            “I run here every day at this time, Nigel.” she replied, trying not to let her annoyance show.

            “I know. Hey, did you get my text earlier?” Nigel asked.

            “Yeah, I guess I just forgot to reply.” she said. Liza purposefully didn’t reply. Nigel had been texting her for weeks, asking her to do things that closely represented dates. She had managed to avoid most of them by politely making excuses.

            “It’s okay. I was wondering if you wanted to get some ice cream this weekend? I could really go for some ice cream.” Nigel said, trying to be casual. Liza repressed a sigh.

            “Thanks, Nigel, but I just have too much homework; I’m going to be studying all weekend.” This was partially true. Liza was an English major, and she had been letting her assigned readings pile up all week. But she definitely had time for some ice cream.

            “Oh come on, Liza, live a little! Come get ice cream with me!” Nigel said. Liza laughed a little bit, as if he made a joke that wasn’t very funny.

            “I’m going to run now, Nigel. I’ll talk to you later.” She said, putting her ear bud back in. She smiled a little, feeling bad that she didn’t feel about him the way he felt about her, but Nigel wasn’t discouraged.  

            “Alright, well if you change your mind, you have my number. I’ll text you later!” he said, hopping off the treadmill. Liza had no doubt that he would. She tried to push away the thought that was always in the back of her mind when it came to Nigel: she was going to have to turn him down, for good. She cringed as she imagined the worst possible scenario, which she knew was also the least likely, but her imagination had a mind of its own. She would say to him, "Nigel, I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way about you. I only see you as a friend, nothing more." He would deflate, and then awkwardly say that it was okay, that's always how girls feel about him. Liza's stomach twisted. She wished he had never told her exactly how depressed he was, how close he had come to ending himself. 

            She increased the speed on the treadmill, forcefully shutting those thoughts out. She breathed in the smell of sweat and cleaner, and turned up her music. She wouldn't think about that now, now it was time to run.